As a parent, I have one particular child who is unusually obedient. She says “yes” with a willing heart, whether I ask her to clean up her room or empty the dishwasher.
I have another child who struggles. She had a hard past and sometimes wrestled with whether she can trust what someone is asking of her. Her history has made her question the authenticity and trustworthiness of a parent.
This child, hesitates, questions, doubts, and often still contends with what is requested of her.
But before our mind goes into labeling “good” child or “bad” child…I have to recognize my own heart when it comes into contact with God.
Like any parent, He knows me deeper than I know myself. He created me and has seen me all of the days of my life. And yet, often, I have waved my fists and demanded different endings to my story.
I have lamented in tears for Himto stop something or sometimes even just simply refused because in my own stubborn insistent, I think my way was better.
But, I have to wonder this morning as the sky is still dark and my thoughts rise with a notion that I have been playing my relationship all wrong…
What if I was simply obedient and trusted God knows my story?
Better yet, what if I knew His character so well that I could trust He is love and would never, intentionally hurt me?
Part of my path is still in question. I walk forward, but have been silently crying out day and night for the protection and provision of someone I love.
I remind Him of His promises, throw in bribes and even Bible verses to make His will happen when I want. And sometimes, I grab the pen God has been writing my life with, to form a dialogue that settles my impatient heart.
Yet, Psalms 139:16 (Amp.) tells me,
“Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were appointed for me,
When as yet there was not one of them [even taking shape]:”
It is finished. My story is written. God sees the end from the beginning.
The New Living Translation tells me in Isaiahs 46:10:
“Only I can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish.”
Yet, we play God? We rise up as mere humans, formed by His hands from dust and wave our words to try to change the One who holds the Universe in His hands?
How audacious I have been. How stubborn and self-righteous. How arrogant and rebellious-child-like.
Oh God, forgive me for my sins.
Before I was formed in my mother’s womb, you knew me.
And although Jacob wrestled God for His own will, I must ask…didn’t God know what He was doing all along.
And I wonder if the wrestling isn’t to change God’s will, but something God uses to draw us close to Himself?
Wrestling brings us close and personal. Hardships press us to the One who ordained us. Trails lead us to our knees where we cling to His goodness…
And maybe the hard is a gift God uses to make us dependent on Him.
Oh, what if we surrendered. Surrendered knowing He has penned the book of our lives. It’s set in ink.
And although it looks like men in the Bible changed the mind of God….
What if the goal is that we keep seeking, keeping longing for His face, even if that means we come to Him in prayer, over and over again,
asking for the things we want.
Jesus, forgive me for not knowing you are Sovereign and you are Good. You are omnipotent and all consuming, omnipresent and all-sufficient.
God, turn my face to you, not just in want or in need, but that I might stop wrestling with my own will and bow to your purposes for me.
Lord, my way has never helped me. Your path has always been illuminated by the Light of Your Word. Your grace is sufficient for me. It sustains me.
I want what you want. So God, crucify me, that I might lay low, surrender and just rest in the truth that you hold the pen. I am a vessel, clay made from your hands….
You are the great Author who is worthy and trustworthy and holds every one of my days in your hands.
