Another morning, 5:00 a.m. Exhausted, eyes don’t know how to sleep. Our Newfie barks wildly at the world next door…
And I want to remind him, just because it’s light outside, doesn’t mean the whole earth needs to waken.
I’ve found my place lately. Not on the wave of turbulence, on the shores of uncertainty, or in the tide of trivialism…
But in the depth of the ocean deep.
Every terror of my heart was once found there. In Hawaii, I jumped with scuba gear into the blackened ocean and thought I was going to die….
It was my worst fear come realized.
Black waters, not touching, and my fragile body floating disoriented in it all.
But there. There. In the torment of my trembling fears, I spotted the light from the boat, stuck my head low, and watched a Mantaray flip, like an entertaining comedian, right in front of my eyes.
One of the places I feared most became the most beautiful sight, magical in every way.
And I take this lesson; about fear and water, about diving in and trusting I am not in control.
I scoop refreshment, from yesterdays boldness, when I wake with weary legs and have no place quiet to rest my head.
I find the shores not enough. I have stood by them long enough. Waisted years and precious moments, life and health in my body, watching the world go by.
I exclaimed and explained and justify my standing as observing or wisdom, diligence or discernment…
But I knew my heart was afraid.
I knew I felt terrified of making a step that would leave me in quicksand, fending for my life.
Because when night has found you, terror paralized you, you will do anything to escape it, even if it means waisting your life.
And I forgive myself now. Forgive the pain. Let go of the one gripping me unrelently, when my life seemed to be slipping away.
But now, I can swim. I have proven my legs are worthy. The One that holds me will sustsain me. And He has shown me…
There is beauty in the deep. Beauty is walking closer to the water, feeling the crash of cool waters slashing everything that pained you, away.
Knowing the tide is controlled by the moon, and the moon He lasoed in place, at a breath. A word. A command.
Yet, we wrestle to trust Him? Wonder where we land, if we step out in faith?
My petty mind, silly ways. Oh how I have been foolish.
I have dreamed of swimming, but each and every time, my head surfaces above the waters. A mind unyeilding to the covering, unbending to His promises…
I wanted to be in control.
Yes, He could have my big toe, my heart and maybe my arms….But to give my Lord my mind? It meant losing everything I have attained…
And hasn’t knowledge become so many of our life-long idols?
Oh, the information flooding us on the internet, in books, podcasts, from every stream and glance…
But He IS Knowledge. He is All-Knowing, All-Grasping, All-Understanding….
So, I close my eyes, and drift in faith, deeper into the waters.
I take a breath, hoping I will be sustained in darkened waters, when I cannot see and I don’t know the way.
But then, there, magic begins to happen. A world comes alive. The creatures I ran from, because welcoming and kind, gentle and in tune with my own trepidation…
But unlike man, who devours its weakeness, the waters stay back and give space, approach, then leave, and come again as I begin to have faith.
And I learn, here in the deep, we are not enemies worth shooting. The Createed, impeeding our own pain vainly upon one another…
Destroying and killing, burning and shooting….
Instead, we are living, breathing, specimen, created for the benefit of the whole earth all around us…
Working in unisome and for the benefit of those that might be weaker, more needy.
We are travelers in moving waters, needing the tide to carry us, not a speedboat, smashing whatever might be beneath it.
I have to forgive myself. Forgive myself for standing on the whitened shore for far too long. Waiting. Watching. Wondering. Losing years, trying to heal or understand His promises….
For, they were waiting all along…In the deep.
They were beckoning me all the while, but I feared what might be attached. They were longing for my purpose to be fulfilled….
Yet, David’s must begin to rise first, before we can go kill giants.
One foot in front of the other. Not a sword yielding hero….But a quiet servant trusting God is bigger…Taking one step at a time….
TOWARDS what we fear.
That is faith. That is grace. That is the Kingdom of God that will magically change society as we know it.
Standing on a pillar, out of the water preaching, is just words, James tells us. It is hot air with no action, it is commanding, but no assets.
Show me your faith and I will show my works.
My head bobs down again, into the deep, because I know I must teach my kids by example. Example leads more than any message of preaching…
And I finally know the way.
Is it too late?
Did I make too many mistakes?
Can I call on others, as deep cries out to deep? Or will they stumble with faith, and keep their mind out, like me?
The Mantaray does another flip. He comes swimming straight towards me.
I am not afraid, remarkeably. I do not tremble and doubt, or question what I had once hated and ran from and dreaded all my life.
There is beauty here. In the quiet of the deep where the sounds of the world are peacefully shut out. There is tranquility and beauty…
A message that rises with the tide and calls the least of these…
Come. Come. Come where the water is deep. Life is too short for the shore. Standing and watching is fine…
But God made you for more.
He longs to show you, what beauty awaits, when our feet don’t touch the ground, our physical eyes can’t see and our ears are blocked to the chaos above the deep.
Your heart, it will show you the way.
And I just pray, it’s not too late, to rest beneath the waves…
Where He will sustain you. And His beauty longs to meet you. Living in a way you might never have known if you sat on the safety of the shore.
