The tide gets higher, walls of laundry come crashing down around me. Dishwasher breaks, dishes start rising. Children need tending. Our newest little one goes to visit her mother. So many “do’s”, demands, requests, obligations climbing tightly around me…
But then I feel Him, “Come” He whispers.
Logic says I have maybe an hour while she sleeps, to fill the list that taunts me with words of inadequacy. But, we have a choice of where to find our identity…
So I turn to Him instead.
There, the worship rises like a flood purging all my contaminants. His love song, like a rainbow promising He is close to us whether we “feel” him or not.
I lift empty hands to praise Him, where no flesh gets glory in the fullness of His presence.
Little by little, my “list” starts lifting, and eyes start shifting from me to the one who takes all my fears away…
And it is here and then, I become small enough to slip underneath the door of my weightiness…to the light, the one drawing me up, onward, forward.
And then He calls me, “Free”, “precious”, “His beloved”. But strangely enough, I don’t look for titles….it is here I only want Him.
I bow low, the place I find comfort, where head and intellect and thoughts get lower than my heart. In this forehead touching floor position…where the humbling and a weightlessness almost laughs, “Why did you ever worry”….
Joy fills quickly those empty spaces. Peace flushes over me as the breeze from the open window calls me deeper.
And strangely, this love, this love for the orphan overtakes me. The mind always suffering a slow death whispers against this filling, “You’ll get your heart crushed again”.
Until He reminds me…“How many times Has my heart been broken over you. Your sin. Your wayward orphaned-spirit running reckless in defiance to who I have called you to be? Yet, did I love you less? Did I give you less? Do I withhold any of who I am, because love can equal broken-ness?”
And it is then I grasp more fully how He loves. And I open my arms up, again, welcoming this broken heart that comes with being a lover of hurting people.
“Yes Lord” I whisper with tears flushing my face a thousand times a minute. “If it means I can love like you…then break me…break me a thousand times and into a thousand pieces. For your love is all consuming, unconditional, unquenchable. And no matter what the cost, I want to love like you Lord.”
The door starts closing. I feel it. I am pulled from this secret place where all fades but the Lord and the fullness of this unfathomable love He has for us is…
I cry out to stay in His presence. But know it’s time to go. Time to do. Time to live out of the fullness of this love He has filled me with…again.
Still one last quiet whisper before the light fades from behind the door, “I am always with you”.
And oh, when others look on me…I don’t want them to see “Savior”, “Great and wonderful person”, “Saint”…or anyone different from “sinner set free, saved by grace. Only.”….
All I want them to see is Jesus. A layed down lover who is nothing in herself, but was offered grace freely….The breath of God living in me out of mercy so undeserved.
Yes, when they see us, oh that the world might know that we are of those who don’t “do lists”….but that we might bare the reflection Moses had when He encountered the Holy of Holies on Mount Sanai….
Yes, isn’t it the hour for us all to slip out, under, through, into the secret place? Through that crack of grace, calling us to dwell with Him, where perfect peace can be tasted despite laundry, and children, and “to-do lists”?…
Where life has no weight, where callings are given, and life comes into alignment easily, effortlessly? Where Christ is Holy, patient, good…but most of all where His love is unquenchable….and His power ignites in a way that working harder, reading more books, or striving for “good” never will…
Yes, that is where I want to live from moment by moment. That is where I am made whole.
What about you? How and where do you “meet” God most?
As I wrote this last week, God reminded me…we are nothing without those moments we spend heart-to-heart, hand-to-hand with God. And I think, how many days, hours, moments do I spend trying to strive harder, figure it all out, keep pressing forward, when God just wants us to stop, empty ourselves, so He can fill us up with His love.
Ironically, Sunday, my pastor preached something similar. How the better thing is to be “Mary” sitting at the feet of Jesus. “Only one thing matters” Jesus tells Martha’s aggravated, work-hard spirit.
And I want to grab a hold of that “One thing”…don’t you?
If you do anything today, this week….will you stop, quiet your heart, and seek Him where you find Him most? On a quiet walk. In your car driving to work or to more appointments? Or in your room with your forehead pressed to the floor.
Yes, let’s both slip through the quiet cracks of grace He has given us this week. Let’s get alone in that quiet place, so that we can stand fuller, more clearly focused, and more empowered by His love that never fails us…
13 Comments
Your post was soothing. Thank you, Jen.
Thanks for linking Judith!
Beautiful post. Needing to slow down and stay in His presence myself.
Elizabeth – I hear ya! Ya, why is it easier to go, and do…than it is to slow down in our day and culture…especially as women?
I meet God most when He is dealing with a particular sin He wants me to be free of.
Debbie – Absolutely LOVE that you mentioned this! How sometimes God uses our hardships, sin, or difficulties to slow us down. I just read this morning, Acts 3:19. It talks about how it is AFTER these times of repentance, true refreshing comes from the presence of the Lord! You words are such a great confirmation of my devotion this morning, making it even clearer, the lower we get, the fuller His presence in all aspects of our lives! Thank you!
I continually am amazed by how God weaves things together. In the post I linked above, I also shared about Mary sitting at Jesus’ feet while Martha was distracted. Today I am going to do the “one thing” which is above all other things. So glad to have linked here today. Blessings!
Amazing, isn’t it friend? Nothing less than the Holy Spirit at work! 🙂
This right here ~> “He is close to us whether we “feel” him or not.” Just remembering that brings such comfort. As always, Jen, this was truly beautiful. You have a beautiful gift of sharing your heart.
Beth – Thank you! But, it really is His truth that is the beauty behind anything I might say…
“we have a choice of where to find our identity”. Yes, I am with you on this. “Only one thing matters.” All the doings of the world are merely distraction from the one thing that matters most. The enemy is the god of this world and I see the way he uses busyness and the worldly admiration of such to keep people from God. Knowing God is a full-time job.
Laura – Wow…those words really “stuck” with me as I read your comment! Sometimes I joke that I have so many full times jobs, “mom”, “foster parent”, “writer” etc….but I never thought that our pursuing God IS a full time job! Makes me see these sweet moments away with Him not as vain or selfish….but really part of the “selling all to go follow Him” we prioritize in our lives when we choose to enter relationship with Him. Good stuff!!
Jen- as always your post touches the deep place in my heart and I rejoice with you in God our Saviour.
Marilyn and I praying for you all and wondering how it is going- and here you share your heart so beautifully.
I agree, it is tempting to hold back on the loving in case we hurt again- but when I remember how much God hurt when He gave His only son to be killed for our sins, and how Jesus endured the cross for people who didn’t really know how to love Him- I fall down on my knees in worship and realise that in the holding back of love, we only deprive ourselves.
Love you Jen, love your heart, your writing, your passion for the hurting and lost, and God adores you too.