The Day They Turn 18

I cried myself to sleep last night. She turned eighteen.

All my attempt to bottle up that infant staring the world straight in the face….futile.

I thought I could stop time. I thought I was God. Confining that two foot, little girl in a flowing dress,and sparkly shoes in the crevasses of my mind.  But that too, eventually became impossible.

For attempts and best efforts will not halt that freight train of life, coming at your children.  It’s inevitable….we cannot save them.

And I thought I was wise.  That education, competence, and all the love in the world could save my child from the dagger’s that continually try to slay “nice people”…

Yet it is I, here with scars, after trying to be the Savior who protects you.  All my vain attempts….useless.

Still, my little girl, you grew, you learned…

The victory is found not in winning, but in continuing the fight. It’s not found in perfect, but in the “keep on trying”…..even when it’s easier to throw in the towel.

Yes my child, adult now, you taught me that wings were made for flying, a life in a shelter is no life at all.  It’s a prison that keeps out the suffering, but it’s also a life that keeps out joy and the abundant life God called us to.

And grown one.  You are all about owning your adulthood.  You are all about joy!

You turned eighteen today, and the steep, treacherous road has only made your heart beat stronger, your eyes shine brighter, your mind more alert to all those that need the love you yourself overflow with so freely.

And why did tears moisten my pillow last night?  Watching the clock like a writer, waiting for her climactic ending.  When you are a parent, there is no finish, no ending, no love lost….only the pulling strings that remind us how human we all are….really.

Yes, I was the one shattered in a million pieces….when I realized time moves forward….and no one cannot stop it.

No shaking of clocks, or willful rebellion.  No love of a billion forces, or even a mother herself can’t stop it.  Time will keep ticking.

Yes, my vice grip of your childhood loosens today.

And the victory is yours, after climbing the mountains of Guatemala, taking a bus across country to visit orphans in Mexico.  You rising to the Spirit alive in you, raising funds for non-profits, working with disabled children, and now joining the leadership team to raise money to build a well in Africa….

And I couldn’t be more proud.  Did you hear that child?  I couldn’t be more proud!!

And if you have done all this before eighteen…I can’t wait to see what your character blossoming into adulthood brings!

No, you didn’t need me.  You didn’t need a mom who wanted to wrap you in arms and keep you there forever, needy and alone.  You needed your own voice, a bold voice, a voice in society that says, “Nothing can stop me if I just take hold of who I am…and run with it.”

Yes, hiding is not the answer. Lying to ourselves that the world isn’t mean, that we are not weak, or that hard things won’t happen, will never solve the ceiling of mediocrity constantly pressing down on us.

There is never hope in blind eyes or wishful thinking….

But you know you were created to rise into the starriest skies, my brightest star.  You were born for the light, to rise without limits. You were chosen by a God who sets the Universe in motion and takes you where (even I have to admit)…..Mother’s can’t go.

He chooses children, each one of them…And it was not my voice you needed, but the ears of your own soul to hear His inward whispering as you go.

Do.  Be.  Live.  Forward.

So, I let go.  That second the clock ticked mid-night and your lifetime flashed through my mind’s eye.  That last tear rolling, when grace and peace rested upon me saying, “Well done. You are through. It is my turn now.”

…And I stopped being God.  Releasing you into His hands which are so much bigger than mine.  

I want you to know what an honor it has been to have such a precious title as, “Your Mother”.  And how much I trust you to use those wings to soar, to walk where God calls you, to be (not what I want) but what all the depths of your soul draws you toward….

And I will always be your greatest cheering section.  Silencing my voice as yours rises in the distance.

For I never want to hinder you.  I never want to keep you back from the beautiful warrior-princess God has made you….

Even if it means, I will never hold you like I used to…here in my arms….

For I love you enough to watch you run into the horizon God shines in an array of colors just for you!

Yes, today I let you go. For you have turned eighteen.  And I have finally run smack dab into the reality that even mother’s in all their best intentions….can’t stop time….

You were made for so much more.  And it is time I admit….You are God’s and He is yours.

And I am not God.  I am just a mom.  

(Linking with Lyli, Proverbs 31, Barbie)