Abuse: Isn’t it Time We Break the Silence?

“Even heathens love those who love them.”  These words usher in my new year.

I cringe at the reality that love conditional is no love at all.

My whole childhood, I used to live in a cage. Like a bird, imprisoned, in steel chains…the ones others placed on me.

Still when truth pierces, we have two choices: Stay confined by false security, or bravely let the Lord unlock the bolts that keep us.

And I have always wanted to fly…don’t you?

She e-mailed soon after.  A challenge found HERE by Amy Sullivan.  “Will you risk with me?” Her words spark life somewhere deep inside.

“Risk?  Absolutely!”  I love challenges.

Thinking I would leap long and wide, doing tangible things that would differentiate me from a fearful life. (And they did, you can read about them, HERE and HERE) But…

God is calling me (calling us all) to deeper….to risk more than external acts of bravery.  

He is calling us to lay down the one thing most of us, as women, have been tirelessly working our entire lives to protect.  Our hearts.

And until we put our hearts on the alter of His choosing…what have we really sacrificed?  What have we really lost? What has Biblical Christianity really cost us? (These are the questions marinating in me lately.)

After all, I don’t want to be a Christian with an imprisoned heart, looking no different than the unrepentant.  Going to church simply on Sundays, practicing scripted, well acted religion.  I want true joy, unbridled peace, the courage to live a love that radically blesses my enemies.

After all, didn’t Jesus come to remove all barriers?  Didn’t He come so that we might have a wall-less existence?  Didn’t He die to set the captives free, deliver and redeem….so that we might live fully, love radically, carrying His light into the world, like a warrior of His purposes?

And if we are bound, how can we free others?

I don’t want to live masked anymore. Do you? I want to really risk loving the unlovable…even when it hurts to much to do so.  I am tired of superficial, outward sacraments, disguising themselves as “duty” or “goodness”.

I want to lay my greatest treasure willingly before my Savior.  My soul.

So I share my story with you today.
As a little girl, I had blonde-haired, green eyes. I was also abused. Perversions of selfishness swallowed my childhood.  For some reason others found vulnerable appealing, as they reached past the iron bars I thought I had used to protect myself.
Still children never deserve to be mistreated.
And when bars weren’t sufficient, I started building walls around the truth…hiding from anyone who might learn that I was tainted.  I lost identity, froze all joy.  But still lived daily with nightmares, in more ways than one.  
At thirteen I “got smart”.  I found I could drown my feelings. (And it worked quite well, if I might say so myself)  I learned to cover my pain, run, hide, and deny any abuse or the stains that tauntingly scarred me…

I draped myself with a survival mentality.  Doing what I needed to…just to make it through another hour.

In the process, I ran from God.  And although sin always leads to a well-walled soul. Shame is the true antagonist that pushes us away from holiness.

And we can never be healed if we continually run from God.
By grace, at eighteen, Jesus found me…one radical night while I was sleeping. He came to me again at nineteen.  And kept pursuing me at twenty.
And although we think hiding will protect our souls, His eyes of love have the power to pierce past every wall we build around ourselves.
At twenty-one, I came to a cross-road and my life was forever altered. Would I choose Him or the darkness that called to me in those quiet hours? 
And after eight years of overt sinning and a lifetime of painful struggling. I finally chose Jesus.

Because of the layers of pain he has pealed and the healing He continued to do in my life, I look back at “my old self”, and can hardly recognize who that child was.  For…

Healing is not only what God does…healing is who our Father is.

This past week, I was made aware of two little girls we know, unrelated. Children (not mine, thankfully) who have experienced similar victimization at the hand of the self-indulgent.

I want to cry out to them.  Shout now in their lost innocence, “Speak. Continue speaking and do not keep silent! Let the darkness not hover or shame muzzle you in this hour of hurting. Speak until you hurt no more.”

And if you have been hurt, rejected, abused, or be-littled, what I tell my daughters is…“the greatest power we have (a part from God) is our voices”.  The enemy feeds off secrets. He, being the author of lies, wants darkness to germinate, shame to multiply, and guilt to magnify all our imperfections.

But who of us are perfect?  And if we were perfect, why would we need a Savior?  Isn’t it time truth shouts louder than the perversions robbing people everywhere…men, women, children, adults alike?

Please know, I share this not to instill fear.  Not to stir guilt, sympathy, or to unearth demons that may be aggravating the very core of your spirit as you read
this…

I share because of the hope God brings us.  I share to let you know that forgiveness through Jesus has the power to slay all fears and the nightmares unrelentingly stalking us.  I share because isn’t it time we stop running and deal with the ghosts from our past that intimidate us into settling for less than bold, faith-filled living? For love is a force that shatters all walls, and devours us in a way psychology, good works, or people pleasing never can…

But (and this is the catch) loving and forgiveness is risky.  Especially when we know, boundary-less vulnerability, heart-opening transparency is what imprisoned us in the first place.

Yesterday I faced some residue of bitterness still in me.  I had to ask forgiveness to the one I have been blaming for certain offenses.  Yes…it was risking.  Yes…there potentially could have been rejection of astronomical proportions.  But we are not responsible for the consequences.  And in His strength and courage, we risk, we love, we forgive…only because we understand that Christ first forgave us….saving us while we were still sinners.

And, forgiveness isn’t about us anyway.  Love isn’t deserts of sparse water that we guard with fearful diligence in self-preservation like vultures just trying to survive.

Love is a force to be reckoned with, flowing like a flood until it shatters every wall resurrected inside us….one layer at a time.  Grace is a game-changer, a time reverse-r, a gift God gives to heal even the most broken among us.

My husband reminded me this morning of what it really means to “risk loving”.

Jesus dangled from a cross.  Bloodied.  Scarred.  Yet, He holds his hands wide open in utter abandonment.  Crying out to His father,

“Lord forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

And I want to live like Jesus.  Loving those who crucify me, forgiving those who pierced me.  Don’t you?

My prayers for you today friend is that as God highlights shadows still left deep in you….Would you risk, share, bravely face fear so God can, by grace, come and heal you? Would you let love release you from the cell that has kept you through secrets….

So that you can fly.  Live free.  Speak in the face of evil. Being more than a conqueror….more than a victim living in captivity.

For friend, we all have wings.  

The question is….will we use them….risking rejection, tenaciously loving, offering love, grace, and forgiveness…  

Until we can fly.   

(Linking with Lyli)

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36 Comments

  1. My answer to this question: Loving those who crucify me, forgiving those who pierced me. Don’t you?

    The correct answer is yes. But I’m battling, girl. I’m battling to forgive because I know it’s the right thing to do, but it is HARD.

    It’s good I read this today — to come face to face with my flesh so that I might finally yield to the Spirit. I hope…

  2. Jen – I so agree, it can be hard…our flesh never wants to willingly surrender. Yet, isn’t He faithful, that when we take that first step toward healing…God comes running our way to meet us…offering us the strength that we need?

    Alene – My story and your calling go so close in hand! I can’t wait to see the freedom you will bring as you brave the reality of abuse in our land.

    Beth – Glad you are here. Thanks for reading!

  3. This:
    And if you have been hurt, rejected, abused, or be-littled, what I tell my daughters is…”the greatest power we have (a part from God) is our voices”. The enemy feeds off secrets. He, being the author of lies, wants darkness to germinate, shame to multiply, and guilt to magnify all our imperfections.

    — It was bold and full of promise and hope– like an anthem for our daughters (if I had any) generation.

    I am feeling inspired by this topic…I will let you know if anything develops out it if!

    1. Meredith – Yes, please do! Praying he continues to grow in all of us a greater passion to live bold, bringing secrets into light so God can heal them.

  4. Thank you for sharing your voice, your story. I know it takes amazing courage to do that (I have shared of my abuse on my blog, as well). I know how hard it is to put that out there. But I also know that God uses it, if nothing else to remind other survivors that they aren’t alone. Thanks for sharing vulnerably here!

    Christy @ A Heartening Life
    http://www.ahearteninglife.com

    1. Christy – So good to hear you have shared your story too! So many have experienced all forms of abuse as children and too few speak about it. I am learning more and more that God can’t heal what we choose to cover up and conceil. Looking forward to reading your story!

  5. Every part of this post touches me deeply today. I keep reading over and over. “But (and this is the catch) loving and forgiveness is risky. Especially when we know, boundary-less vulnerability, heart-opening transparency is what imprisoned us in the first place.” I’m learning to love when it’s risky, and it’s totally worth it to shine Jesus in the darkness. I’m finding joy I never knew I’d know! <3

  6. Thanks for being brave and sharing your story. While we heal ourselves we heal others, too, with our testimony. When I was in recovery, one of the sayings was “our secrets keep us sick”. That’s so true! I had so many secrets that I didn’t know what was my reality. Who was I? I am still sorting that out. But refusing to keep secrets will keep you closer to God. Our identity is in Him and in Him there is no shame, no condemnation.

  7. Jen,

    Thank you for sharing your story here. I ache for that little girl you were, and am furious at the perpetrators out there. But I am thankful and encouraged to hear of our God who pursues and chases his loved ones, and helps them heal.

    Thanks for sharing your story. It helps for others I know who ache too.

    Jennifer Dougan
    http://www.jenniferdougan.com

    1. Jennifer – Oh yes…we have a God who is bigger than our pain!! No mattter what any of us have gone through…He CAN heal!! Rejoicing at that truth today!!

  8. Oh wow, thank you for sharing your story. I loved what you said about telling your kids that their voice is one of the most powerful tools they have outside of God. I’ve been thinking a lot about that and want to tell my kids the same thing – such wisdom in that.

    1. Melody – So glad that part impacted you! As a once freakishly shy introvert…it’s something I am still learning and so think all little girls especially need to hear. Gkad to hear your passing it on. 🙂

  9. Jen, you have such beautiful wings! Thank you for sharing your story. I agree with you that the enemy wants to keep us captive in the darkness of solitude. Healing begins when we let go and open the doors to bring in the Light. I pray that your story brings hope and healing to many who are hurting.

    Thanks for linking up at Thought-Provoking Thursday! 🙂

  10. Wow, Jen. This is so beautifully transparent and full of great nuggets of wisdom and truth. One of my faves: “Healing is not only what God does…healing is who our Father is.”

    Forgiveness is never easy. It’s always the right choice, but it’s still that – a choice.

    Cheering you on in this journey! #RiskRejection

  11. I can’t tell you how brave I think you are and what a big deal I think it is that you shared part of your story.

    Being transparent is something I struggle with and you went all out with this post. I pray your vulnerability encourages and comforts everyone who reads your words. I think you are amazing.

    1. Pink – Thanks. Without our testimony where is our victory? So glad we are overcomers…all of us. No, more than overcomers….ambassadors of Him! Blessings!

  12. It takes not just courage, but a whole lot of forgiveness to be able to share our stories with such grace and love. Thank you, Jen. I love your beautiful heart.

  13. Thanks so much for your courage and sharing your story. “And if we are bound, how can we free others?” Love what you are about, friend, and that you are risking in this way.

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