Dear Self-Sabotaging Me,
I have known you for far too long. You met me as a child, one dark night, when fear took hold. You are tricky. You have used people and circumstances as an excuse for your behavior. You have lied, twisted, and demoralized what I know I am capable of.
You came as a friend.
Yet, you fooled me into thinking that if I ran, hid, turned my back on, or rejected my life….that I would be safe. You met me in the dark places, and tried to convince me I couldn’t be hurt there. But you were wrong.
I despise your behavior. I can’t stand the way when doors are opened, you convince that being comfortable, safe, or quiet is more convenient.
You whisper when no one is looking…
Dividing my flesh from my soul and my spirit. You have caused me to want things that drive me away from blessing. And for that I bid you farewell.
You feed on loneliness, or weakness, or tiredness…but mostly fear. You feed on my spirit, so that I will walk solely in my flesh, not wanting to pursue what God has truly called me to. You try to convince me that complacent, convenient, or just plain “safe in the box” will make me have peace….
But nothing satisfies where you lead…
I grip to scripture; to God, as if I am the blind man reaching. And He whispers, “What do you want me to do for you.”
I reject your so-called wisdom….Your calculated attempts to control what I am thinking, your ceilings on my potential, and your walls that jump up randomly, to keep me back from answering His un-barred questioning of my soul.
Yet, I answer as one blinded by my own past…
“Have mercy on me. Let me receive my sight”.
I insist that you go, because my God has drawn near and shines the light in all you think you are….all you say I am not.
I willingly lay down my life. And that means, no matter how you sneak, or try to manipulate me….you sabotaging self…you cannot take it from me. You have no foothold, nothing to grab onto when I am sacrificed, surrendered, and willing to lay down my life for God like a drink offering.
You can war with my flesh….but you are no competition for my God. He promises great things for me….to prosper me, to give me hope, and a future.
He promises to be with me as He leads me through the valley of the shadow of death. Yes, even in the darkest seasons, there is never a reason to throw in the towel, to give way to your lies so that freedom can’t be tasted.
And your lies of insignificance, unworthiness, or disillusionment…have no power against your enemy. His righteousness living in me.
I walk in the light, as He is in the light. And guess what? You are not welcome there.
Though as a child, you crept in to cover the guilt of never being enough. Though you lead me to dead ends, so that my palms would be empty, barren, all these years later….
What you didn’t realize is….your tactics have fooled you. Your ways have worked against you.
For emptiness is fullness according to my Savior. His power is made perfect in our weakness and our failure.
So, get away from me sabotager of my soul. Leave my heart, my mind, my home. I have a God who knows me….from the inside out. I have a God who formed me even before I took my first breathe. I have a God who loves every ounce of me…the good, the bad, and the ugly.
And He will never reject me, even if you have convinced me to reject myself in the past.
I will not walk silenced any longer. I will not retreat, resort to the lusts of my flesh as “an out” for accepting who I am or where I am going…
I will walk with head held high, eyes fixed on my Savior…no matter what people say, no matter how many times you, or others try to come against me.
I am victorious. He saved me. And I will worship, serve, and follow Christ fully and completely…..
So long failure. So long rejection, sorrow, fearfulness, and isolation. I live to glorify One alone….and you are not that person.
Yes, I have been redeemed and am a bond-servant to one person only…
His name is Jesus.
Jen
This post is a result of something I read over at Amy Sullivan’s place yesterday. Amy, in your light-hearted, humorous way encouraged her readers to write letters to those people in the past they have felt rejected from.
Strangely enough, I had an epiphany as I read that whimsical display of previous rejections. I realized the one who has rejected me the most in my life is not anyone else…it was me.
Will you check out Amy’s post, then consider writing a letter to yourself today too? Or share in the comments what you feel like in life is trying to hinder you from becoming all that God intended?
7 Comments
As a person who has struggled with all these issues, I loved this letter! I have a friend who used to tell me about the “committee in her head” – all the voices that spoke to her internally. I so know what she was talking about. All those voices who speak fear or discouragement or distraction or rejection. I have a feeling that they are sent by the father of lies to lobby against the Truth.
So, I’m with you. I am choosing to listen to the Chairman of the Board – a certain Lord Jesus – who silences the committee with this gavel-pounding message:
“She is Mine. And she is My masterpiece. All else is counted as nothing.”
GOD BLESS!
Sharon – Your comment was. just. beautiful!
I so agree…we are not held in bondage any longer, by the enemy of our souls! We have a living God, one who reigns victorious over anything that might hold us back from the fullness of God! Even if that self-sabotaging one…is ourselves.
Oh, you are speaking my language.
I know all too well what it’s like to befriend the self-sabotaging parts of myself, and I think you nailed it when you said part of it has to do with being safe.
That’s the part that always gets me. So in effort to protect, I don’t take enough chances, which is crazy since I’ve always seen myself as a risk-taker.
Glad this struck something in you. That’s exactly how I felt when I read Brenda Miller’s words. I just read and reread because they rang so true.
Appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable.
Your post reminds me of Joyce Meyer’s book “The Battlefield of the Mind”. It sounds like you are learning to win this battle!
Amy – Oh how I get you! Yes…that’s it, not taking chances because we want safe. I too always thought i was a risk taking, river-rafting, para-sailing…a once crazy life of daring. But I hear ya…sometimes the day to day risks can be harder that those momentary leaps that only have temporary consequences. Here is to destroying the self-sabotager in us all… 🙂
Esther – Oh yes, Joyce does a great job of encouraging us to marinate in truth to disintegrate the lies…doesn’t she, friend!
Oh Jen- I’ve been struggling with se;f sabotaging too- this post came in God’s perfect timing ! A sermon on Sunday about inclusiveness, I learnt that self-rejecting will stop me being included- and I learnt about self-hate’s influence- and have been dealing with this this week- and here you are with this post- THANKS~! Off to write a letter to the enemy saying: NO More, Never again, will I listen to your insinuations.
May God bless us in this Jen- without His blessings, life is dull, but with them, it is so wonderful.I will NOT block them out any more, but will receive them with open arms.
Mary – So happy to hear you were touched my my futile attempt to address the walls we put in up, in the way of God. I prayed most specifically for this post & that those that read it, might also see clearly their own worse enemies…whatever that may be! Yes, courage, strength, and fearless surrender as we all move forward in His calling for us!