My daughter is African American. I am white. Although I grew up surrounded by diversity, we now live in horse country, surrounded by mostly Caucasian people.
I know my Bible…
As a Christian we all are on an even playing field. We all must come to Him with same hands filled with emptiness as we approach the throne room of grace….whether black, or white, or brown, or green.
And then there is the world, the state, constantly telling us to look carefully at color, analyze outward appearance, prepare kids who are a different color to be devastated, taken back, and needing “special circumstances” for there to be any success in a trans-racial family.
So who do we believe?
It was this gnawing craving for truth that led me to break down walls. Walk into a park where a festival took place…for African American people. It had gone on year after year. But, to be honest, I feared what people would say, if I…a blonde haired green eyes woman….set foot on “their territory”.
But, fear is something I am learning to run into, not away from. So, I grab the hand of my seven-year-old, adopted daughter….and enter the dark-skinned gathering going on.
At first, she lets go of my hand. Her African American, American Girl doll, she clings to, all the tighter. I wonder if she’s ashamed, fearing going into a place where there were so many people like her.
After all, prior, she had mostly been around only Caucasian people.
Do I force her to grip tighter? Should I demand that she cling only to the ivory one standing so out of place in this ebony festivity?
I ask her once. Then accept her desire to let my hand go. Trusting we can’t make people draw close to other people. UNITY is something primarily God must do. Man has never been very good at gathering together, effortlessly…without Him.
I pick up my disappointment and face the crowd of dark faces with her standing strong beside me.
We go to get her hand painted, wanting her to know this day was about her…not me…not the fact that our family looks more like a pallet of diversity…than the Brady’s.
I want her to belong. Feel loved. Be able to embrace the heritage that she came from…as an African American child of God.
We move on. I hold my body still from trembling. Drawn to an old lady with few teeth, sitting quietly in her booth. I didn’t know it, but her table sells only paraphernalia about faith and Jesus.
She greets my dark skinned daughter. I try to break the tension more by talking, smiling, asking my little girl what she likes most about what she sees. She points to Jesus. And an African lady bowing on a cup that sits for sale.
I buy it, knowing God is our glue and this faith, written across this cup is what led me here, to this festival, in the first place. I wanted a momentum of that reminder.
Then, a few dark skinned ones stand in front of me. Putting their backs against me, so I can’t move forward around the booths. I smile and move around them…letting nothing stop me from embracing a wall-less world or grace, tolerance, and acceptance. Holding tighter to my cup that says, “Without faith, it is impossible to please God.”
We move from booth to booth. Drawn more to some, than others. But then I hear from the stage the mention of Jesus. A dark man in a white suit starts preaching the gospel.
I calm instantly. Hearing His name, knowing facing fear is always the answer to all of our insecurities.
Then, gospel music plays. I want to dance with the dark skinned women waving their hands in the middle of the field. Hair flinging around in joy. I turn to my little one…“Want to dance?”
“No” she responds instantly. She is not there yet. That’s o.k. She has my gripped my hand now though. And clings to it…after buying the mug with the girl bowing and the words reading “faith”.
I am just glad we are one again. And keep on making our way through the crowd.
Some stare. I look down, trying to keep my eyes on the beautiful child beside me. She is all that matters. She is what means everything to me…more than I ever dreamed..before we adopted her..
It’s about her. Not me. I keep reminding myself. How can I love her like she needs me to? How can I show her I embrace fully, whatever color she is?
Two young people beam. So refreshing after more dark girls step in front me….smelling more like vodka than carrying the scent of Jesus. I am drawn to the two like a moth to the flame.
“How are you?” I ask. They tell me they are on fire for Jesus. And explain how reading the Bible is everything to them. “You sold me.”
I smile. They smile. Us strangers break those racial lines, speaking eyes to eyes, without any words.
We all have no separation between us…it is clear. I buy a c.d. which we later listen to all the way home, flooding our car with scripture.
Me and my little one finish up the rounds. Blocked a few times, but delighted with the crowd, continually dancing freely in the praises of our God.
At the edge of it all…I see a tall gorgeous African American twenty something. She is clinging to a white man’s hand…the way my daughter had mine before we saw the crowd.
She whispers in his ear. I can tell she is nervous. “Are you sure?” He pleads. They whisper back and forth for quite some time. I can see her hesitating, from the corner of my eye.
I think of other couples I know…precious couples….who break the cycle of trans-racial barriers and are now living life as a testament to what God has done.
I wish for this couple, just as much.
Feeling victorious after such a wonderful day, we leave. But then I see the couple leaving also…without entering the crowd. Her tip toeing slowly away….Him graciously following her lead.
I grieve that there are still walls, still boundaries set up by men…and if we are honest, even by us sometimes….keeping us away from one another.
And how too often fear can be a greater motivator than love. How many years had I not come because I didn’t want to be singled out as different….white?
Still, as I drive home with my daughter now singing wildly in the back seat…I think about how in trans-racial families…in my family….my daughter daily experiences the reality of the world and the walls that exist in this life.
She walks our colorless existence. And sometimes she is accepted kindly by those who normally don’t see darker people. But sometimes people stand in front of her. Sometimes they cut her off, or turn their backs on her….
And I had never fully understand the ramifications, the identity obstacles of being different in a world not looking like her.
I had always seen scripture’s view….that there are no divisions between race, status, or people.
But, if we are honest. Walls still exist.
Yet, in Christ….we are all sinners prior to being saved by grace. Without Him….leveling the playing field….without faith saving all of us sinners…
How would walls come down. And where would any of us be?
16 Comments
Thank you, Jen, for sharing your story and experiences with your sweet daughter at the festival.
Thanks for hosting the linkup. Have a blessed day!!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I applaud you for facing these walls and walking through as God guides. I am saddened by the walls that our race has erected so strongly in the past, walls that still exist in many hearts to this day.
I’ve written a couple of blog posts about this issue. It’s dear to my heart.
Thanks for addressing it.
Beautiful photo of you and your daughter–and thought provoking post.
My first job as a graduate nurse was in a hospital in downtown Detroit. I worked with white and black nurses. Like you I believed the Bible’s view of all people being equal. But I discovered difficulties communicating, misunderstandings. We come from different families, different cultures, different expectations . . . and we all need grace. We are the same in our need for forgiveness and grace.
Judith – Thanks Judith! You are such a gentle and sweet spirit!
Gail – Glad to hear the division and walls that segregate societies is close to your heart too. As I think about it, I am reminded how walls can be made between other things too…like social status, economic wealth, education…in so many other ways too. Thanks for being the voice of UNITY to those around you Gail! Always love reading yours posts.
Carol – “We all need grace..” Amen, my friend!
Jen- my heart leapt across the oceans that divide us to embrace, yours, reading this.
It’s hard for me to understand such divides, as in New Zealand, brown and white have intermingled freely since English came here in the early 1800’s. Many are a mixture or races, some a only white, but there is no issue around colour at all.
BRAVE is what you are 🙂
Love and prayers, always,
Mary.
Hi Jen! What a beautiful picture of your daughter and you! Our family did foster care for about eight years and had almost exclusively african-american girls. What an education in skin care and hair!
Of course our children are ours no matter what they look like on the outside (I have two adopted children). May God bless you, as you help others to see that too.
Thank you for your bloghop! It’s fun!
Ceil
What a huge step of faith and courage Jen! I think that many of us are afraid of being “different” and not being accepted by those around us; we are more comfortable blending in rather than standing out. It’s much easier to “fit” in, but even though we are “different”, we can all be united because the love of God unites all Christians. He made us different to learn, love and honor each other!
Your daughter is absolutely gorgeous (just like her mama!)
Blessings and love to you both!
Denise
“she walks our colorless existence.” Oh, may we grow in wisdom! Thank you!
Beautiful post! Beautiful little girl! I loved how she found the mug! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. May God use these words to teach each of us. Prejudice can take on many forms & look differently in each of our lives. May He open my eyes to see it in my own life & then may I be open to allowing Him to remove it. Thank you for this reminder today!
Blessings,
Joanne
As long as hate abounds, we will always have a separation in people with diverse cultures. No matter how much time passes, hate is the one thing we can’t erase from our planet.
I enjoyed reading of the experience you & your daughter shared. Sometimes when we step outside of our comfort zone, we are pleasantly surprised by what we find.
This is a beautiful read!
I am trying to get organized
Dear Jen
Your daughter is such a sweetie! Jen can you believe that the apartheid regime in South Africa justified apartheid from the Bible! Preposterous. What breaks my heart now for my country, is that although apartheid is not a law anymore, it is still very alive and flourishing. The advantaged group has just changed from white to black. Power in the hands of man always corrupt. But then, my best friend,,whom I love to bits, is a black lady who also suffers from Fm/CFS and we have a little black girl and her granny staying with us. They are all my sisters, because we have the same heavenly Pappa. My friend and I can tease one another endlessly about our different cultures.
Much love XX
Mia
Mary – New Zealand sounds wonderful! 🙂
Ceil – So wonderful that you were a foster parents, focusing on the kids that often get “missed” in the system. Congratulations on your adopting! That is so my heart! If we lived closer, I am sure we would be fast friends! So much in common!
Denise – You are so sweet. Yes, it is easier to “fit in”..be unseen. Hide in the shadows of those around us..isn’t it.
Barbara – Yes, what a multi-faceted God we have…Creator of a multi-faceted people.
Joanne – Good point! Prejudice often hides itself, so even we don’t see it in ourselves until we reach out, step out, dare to be fearless.
Cathy – Oh yes..but if hate always separates..that means love always UNITES…right!? And by now everyone reading must know how I feel about UNITY! Lol 😉
Mia – Always love your hunger for learning & fearlessness to REACH on Christ’s behalf! IMHO..both of those will always lead us closer to His heart. Thanks for sharing and educating me about South Africa.
Jen, this was really a beautiful story. Poignant in some ways – but oh so triumphant! It’s so sad to me how we *humans* put up barriers – barriers that Jesus did so much to break down. We forget that there is only unity at the foot of the cross – only the shed blood that unites all of us in His salvation. Grace sees no division, no walls…
GOD BLESS!
Sharon – So incredibly beautifully said, my friend! There is only UNITY at the foot of the cross…Amen!
I do love the courage it took to enter where you are the odd one out, and your doing this for oyur daughter is beautiful.
As a black woman I’m just going to warn you that calling us “darker skinned” yeah it doesn’t go over too well. As a white woman you wouldn’t know about the history of the term and therefore wouldn’t be aware of the burden it carries
We are Black or African American just like you’re Caucasian, the term “darker skin” just doesn’t sit well with many and carries with it a whole host of colorism ties within the black community. It’s a left over from slavery where those with ‘darker skin’ were treated far worse than the ‘lighter skinned slaves’ so yeah it’s not a good sentiment.