When Rocks Leak Water

Somedays.  It’s easy to go outside.  Birds singing.  The hint of spring coming.  Refreshening spirits.  Calling us to more.

But, this day.  The rain is just too much.  The brick wall I hit after coming back from China.  Struck a cord.  That makes me want to stop.  Like a tightly wound top.  Convincing myself to retreat.  Hide.  I just need time to work it all out.

Yet, we are called.  Outdoors.  I know that.  Out of walls of self.  Us.  Believers.  Called to more than the excuses we find to shrink inward.  And my wallowing has gotten me nowhere.  Except discouragement in this culture.  

And it is deceiving.  This life.  Caught up in social networking.  Depending entirely on our fingertips and screens before us. All convincing us, that we are living in the fullness of the communion He has called us to.

So, I brake the mold.  Open doors.  Go out where life has no ceiling.  Looking for the type of freedom, I found in China.

And she meets me there.  The place God healed my wounds.  The sister that really cared.  The dear one that offered up her heart and prayers….when I needed it most.

Still heavy spirit, wants to hide.  Run back indoors, where rain coming down seems incapable of washing away, this frustration that I feel.

But, sometimes walls, and screens, and computer names, are shape shifting obstacles that deceive us into thinking that “perfection” exists in this life….. 

Whether in us.  Or in others.

And that’s not true.

Sometimes, embracing our rained on, gloriously messed up identity….is the place that we ever really find Jesus.

Cause life can be hard.  And that’s o.k.  God never said it would be easy.

And it is just in the listening.  That my wood walk with a friend starts shifting my thoughts away from self…

To the one who made me.

And isn’t that what it’s all about.  Not how we are looking, but WHO we are looking at?

Like a sun ray beaming down upon my dreariness. I rediscover, the reason I do all things….

When somewhere along the way I lost it.  And began to start digging with bloody fingertips, in rocks.

Yes, that life water has not left.  It has not hid when I tried to understand why God would bring me to China….

When He knows my heart is fragile.  My spirit weak.  My sensitivity to spiritual things….ever so delicate.

I mean….why would he let me experience….babies dying.  Revival pastors, preaching wildly, without fear of being imprisoned.  Children left with neglect…

When God made me to feel so completely.

I mean…

I want to understand.  But, sometimes, yes sometimes, there is no understanding.  At least not yet.  And sometimes when things are overwhelming….we need not run and hide behind the internet.

Sometimes we need, yes I need, to just get up and leave the walls coming in on me.  And go outdoors, where freedom lies.  Walk with a friend.  Let people freely speak truth into my life….

And why is it…..

• A tear rising.
• A sister gripping hands praying.  
• A smile of assurance.
• A nodding that says, “I understand you”.

Is just not related through texting, or blogging, or email or facebook?

Why are we content doing church.  Online.  Listening.  Not engaging.  Because it feels good.  Compared to life lived with real people.  Broken people.  Hurt people.

Like me, the one who needed most, someone to see me.  Hear my stories.  Of heartbreak.

Yes this year, I am committing.  

• To open up, when I feel like shutting.   
• To stretch out, when I feel like shrinking.  
• To move forward, when I feel like retreating.  
• To go on, when I feel overwhelmed and discombobulated.  
• To press on, when  I feel like stopping. 
• To reach up, when I feel like closing.
• To branch out, when I feel like hiding inward.

And to press on to not understand more….but to trust more.  To not “figure it all out” more, but to lay it all down, and love more.  

Saying….

• My heart is His more.  
• My mind be conformed more.  
• My life become abandoned more.  
• My all in submission more.  Because I want to be obedient more…

To Him.  To His Spirit.  To His calling.  To His purposes.

And sometimes I just don’t get it.  But that’s o.k.  He is always faithful.  And in the end He will, and always does, reveal His purposes in His time.  His way.

So, like a child.  I come in from outdoors.  Drenched in His goodness.  And the fellowship of a sister that reached past the smiles and neat pictures I posted on Facebook.

This time I say it’s worth it.  To go deeper.  Into His glorious purposes.  Even when I don’t understand it.

And I take off my soaked hat.  Take layers, of rained on garments and lay them on the lap of the chair.

And say, a rock can leak water. If we tap it with faith.  Like Moses did, his staff.

Yes, even rain can produce blessing.  If we look at it with the right eyes. To the right source….

For all our strength.

(Linking with Ann @ A Holy Experience, Tracy @ Daily Walk, Emily @ Imperfect Prose)