180 photos.
That’s it.
Sprawled along a table. In hope to make order of it all.
And she sits. Hand’s trembling. Looking at her year. In two dimensional images.
Trying to dwindle down. A life. Her 3-D world. Into time capsules. Frozen. Snapshots.
Hiking. Swimming. Giggles. Picnics. Trials. Sentencing. A world filled with joy, pain, hope, fun….
Color.
And I smile. Tear stained eyes. At this child. Unafraid to hide. Unwilling to die. Despite what she has gone through.
And she tightening. Her heart strings. Though it’s time to say, “goodbye”.
And I had been praying. Year last. That a family. Would surface. Her family. A forever family. Who are Christians. And have no children.
Then, months ago. I find. A family is drawn. To her picture. Led by God. To adopt her.
They have no children. And they are Christians.
Now today. A year later. She is leaving. And this. Our last goodbye. Together. Our time together. Ending.
Her and I. Emotions mixed. With blessing. Goodbye’s somehow threatening. To cut it all. Away.
And I hide real fear. Tears. Worry. In plastic smiles. Hoping to usher on a little girl. In faith. My faith. Faith that believes in big things…
Even when eyes are too blind. To see them.
And I keep swishing around truth.
- “This is good.”
- “This is God’s plan.”
- “This is what we have prayed for.”
But sometimes. All the faith in the world. All the positive words. Doesn’t make difficult things. And losing people.
Any easier.
Sometimes loss just takes grieving.
Sometimes goodbyes need to penetrate, more than the lips, but the walls of an empty soul.
They need to hunker down and grip the hollow part of a once filled void. And root there in it’s own way…
And that takes time.
And although this is not our first goodbye. Not our first foster child……
Goodbye’s are never easy.
Especially when you love so much. Especially when you give. Everything.
And truth suddenly. Becomes real blunt. We are only human. And the breathing life into our children….even when we can’t see them. Is all we can offer them. Really.
When it’s all said and done. Like God did to Adam.
We are not their Messiah.
Yet, I pray she lands in the Garden of Eden. That God will be near. And walk with her. And speak to her ever so clear and often….
Especially when I can’t be with her.
And I shift through each picture. As her shaky hands, fumble to slide each memory into the slot with a ceiling. Kept tight by mad-made plastic. Where it’s safe. Where wind and rain cannot spoil it’s moving. Time.
Where pages can turn. Freely. Without bending. Or stains. Or forgotten memories.
Then, we close it. The last page. It’s complete.
And I read it’s cover…
“All things are possible to those who believe”.
And I ask her….”Do you believe that?”
She shrugs. As child-like eyes return in a soul that once roared. With fearless faith. When I stood. Unmoved. Beside her.
“I don’t know.”
And I assure her. “Believe it.”
And before she goes. I whisper…..
Please know.
Bags flood the entry. And leave. Just like that. One by one.
The photo book. The last to go.
And with words said. A year spent advocating for. Fighting for. Defending. Listening. And encouraging this child….
The best I know how….
I let this child go.
I watch the pages of memories. Of love. Grace. Beauty. Glorious surrender….walk out the door.
Though….each picture. Each person. Each prayer of faith. Will stay logged in my heart and soul.
Forever.
And no one can take that away.
15 Comments
I’m so sorry Jen! I know your heart is breaking and rejoicing at the same time. We will be praying for this little girl and her future and for your family!
Oh, Jen- so she has gone to a new home- May the Holy Spirit, comforter and friend be near, and bring to mind all that God has been able to achieve in this young life during her time with you-when she received the greatest gift of all, salvation.
What a year Jen!
God bless you richly as you bless us in the sharing of your story.
I look forward to the next chapter as you continue to evoke such amazing connections with your readers through the gift of words.
Many years ago God gave me a dream that a foster son needed to be an only carriage on a train- an only child- and it was RIGHT.
I am glad your girl has found her forever family, too. xoxo
Ahh Jen, so sad and so potentially heart-warming. Those seeds you and your family have sown will not be in vain. God had her with you for a reason and for a season. You have touched each other’s hearts and the heart of the Father. God bless my friend
Tracy
Oh Jen …a bitter sweet…she is one blessed little girl…to have you to start her healing process…and now God will continue to draw her deeper into His love. Praying for comfort to your mother’s heart.
Brownie – Treasure your prayers!
Mary – Though I don’t know, I feel your prayers have paved this journey & made it what it is! I feel like your petitioning God has watered and fertilized the soil for this harvest of salvation & the fruit of a hopeful future for this little girl! THANK YOU!
Tracy – Thank you for your kind words. Holding them dear.
Ro – So good to see you here! All would be loss without Jehovah Rapha (God Our Healer) huh, my sweet friend! Thanks for your lifting her & us all up to God through prayer!
I will pray for you in this transition, and you girl, too. So grateful the Lord answered your prayer for a believing family.
Fondly,
Glenda
I hope you can know she is safe, growing and healthy and follow up on her ‘well being’ for years to come. Good bye is not always forever.
Praying for you and your sweet girl as she starts a new life with her forever family! I know your heart is hurting but must be so full with love and gratitude at the same time. God has BIG plans for her life- this is only the beginning of her story. Lifting you up tonight!
-Heather
Glenda – He is always so faithful, isn’t He, my friend!?
Thoughts – Actually just got a hand written card from her today saying, “Thank you for everything.” She has not been officially gone but a few days, yet so much to give praise about! Rejoicing at the one who will never leave or forsake her…and at His goodness in this all!
Heather – So agree..God has BIG plans for her.
May God always bless you and your little girl. may the Lord Jesus bless you in all your activities. be glad and rejoice with all your heart. Amen.
Jesus’ Follower – Amen! Rejoicing indeed!
Hello Jen,
What a beautiful post that touched my heart. So glad I clicked on over from Hear it on Sunday, use it Monday.
The eternal treasures stored in your hearts, are blessed with God’s perfect plan. I don’t even know you, but loved having the privilege of seeing the beauty of your heart. I pray blessings for all of you, may you feel His unfailing love wrapped around you.
I will return.
Anita.
Dear Jen
Oh, my heart goes out to you. Whenever I want to wander down worry lane as far as my children are concerned, I always think of the words of a dear saint of the twentieth century, A.W. Tozer. He said that everything we leave in God’s hands is save … everything we cling to definitely is not! That brings comfort to my heart and I hope to yours too.
Much love and a big hug XX
Mia
Oh, Jen. Your beautiful heart just shines. The way you love is so amazing. Praying for you, friend.
Anita – Blessed by your words and overwhelmed with gratitude at your love poured out through your comment.
Mia – LOVE Tozer! And so agree with His wisdom through this quote! Thank you for sharing!
Laura – Thanks for your prayers, my friend. God is faithful as we rejoice in the beautiful family God picked for our little girl.