Broken Together. A Love Story. And a 20 Year Letter of Thanks.

I was cynical of love. I was a cynic of a lot of things.

I had closed off my heart. Living a reckless life.

And isn’t it when eyes are most blind. When darkness prevails. That the slant of new light….shines most clear.  Finding hope in the night?

Yes, I wasn’t looking for love.  I wasn’t looking for anything.  Really.

I was running.  Hiding.  Believing God was in things. And people.  In anything….but love.

And at the time. Love was more like a curse word. Like a dagger that threatened and gauged in places still hurting.

And I wanted nothing to do with it. I was brazen.  Cold.  Indifferent to love.

Freedom is what I wanted.  Freedom from guilt.

But then.  Fate found us. And I will never forget it. When food would not sustain me. And I went……

Helplessly to the alter.

The three of us.  You.  Me. And our precious son.  Hiding in my stomach….

At the time. The world could not know.  The truth….

I wasn’t perfect.

….Far from it.

And though I kept the lie.  White dress could not deny….the truth inside.  My conscience. The precious one….speaking…

“There is more.” 

The battle.  Just beginning.  For life, dreams, and faith rising.  Tiptoeing with the notion……if love really exists…..is it worth fighting for?

And I will never forget.  That look in your eye.  That pleading. That beckoning me from that hypnotic state I lived in.  Nearly anorexic.

Sweetly whispering….“I know we can make it.  I know we can.”

And I was doubting Thomas.  Even then.  Not really understanding….why I leaped toward faith….Instead of off a cliff.

Leading me to this stranger.  Saying vows in a tux.  From a world I didn’t understand.

And it was hard those first nights. Those first years.  That first life.  Beginning time. Wondering why.  I was here.  The one who had fought so long.  So hard.  To deny “love“….

Self-reliant.  Captured by a life….

Looking for “happiness”.  I would have failed to find.  On my own. Mounting with both time.  And secrets.

And like Hosea.  You grabbed on.  And never let go.  Pursued with an unrelenting love.  Someone like me.  Someone so very far from.  Holy. 

Like Jacob fighting….so hard for blessing.  Striving for an unbroken family.  Like the one you had dreamed for…but had yet to know.

A future….that lasted.

And our marriage became true worship.  Slowly.  Over time.  

Pieces falling off.  With hard work.  And tears.  Instead of running.  Struggling to find meaning.

Slowly.  Blindly.  Like the lepers finding life in Luke 17.  Who weren’t healed instantly.  They were healed as they went.  Faithfully.  Obediently.  Little by little.  Each step of the way.

And what if we too.  As believers.  Found our healing in obedience.  In the walking out the ways of God.  Instead of wishing.  Vainfully.  For some magical potion.  Potion that points to nowhere.  

Yes, what if following. Regardless of our feelings.  Obedient to His faithful steps.  Willingly crucifying our self-reliance….is the healing?

More like,  The One. The one returning.

That is why I write. To come back.  And give thanks.

Thanks to God. Thanks to you….

For not letting go.

And though all flesh is as grass and the glory of man will quickly fall away.  You come to mind as I study….

And I thank you….

For not giving up on us.

For seeing us through twenty years of the mountains and valleys.  The life of the mixture of sweet and sour.  Tender.  Fragile.  Hopeful. And yes…..even sometimes struggling. Not giving up….

When my heart was tender.  And I just didn’t think I could go on.

The chasing my weaknesses.  Proclaiming my freedom.  Giving to me.  When I was fragile.  Being a soldier like protector. Keeper of our hopes and dreams.

…..And making all of them come true.

You put me through college.  Went with me to writing conferences. Willingly adopted.  Cared for and loved.  Spent yourself on behalf of twelve children.  Most of them fostering.

All because you saw my heart.  And you did not only come alongside it.  You jumped in it…..

And became my everything.

You poured out grace when I didn’t deserve it. You offered mercy….when I deserved every bit of.  Punishment.  You spoke with gentle wisdom.  Careful sweetness.  You offered me your hand to hold.  When I was weary.  Balancing barely….on wings of doubt.

You did not push it.  Prod. Poke. My weaknesses.  Or ridicule me for how I sometimes hide.  Struggle inside. Or fail to cook….without burning things.  Even after all this time.

You showed me Christ. When I didn’t know Him. When I didn’t see Him…..

In so called Christians. Symbols and trinkets.  The church.

Yes….you were…..you are…..Christ in His very image.  Here. Now.  Forever. After twenty years.

And to be honest….

I don’t think I ever would have been able to find Him…without you.

Because no one.  Ever. Was willing to run after this broken girl.  Chase me.  Not give up. Find me….

When no one else could see me.  Or were looking. You were the eyes that I looked through….

To see Jesus.  

Not a judge. But a God of love.  Not seeing me for what I was….but what I could be….

And as we look back on life.  After these twenty years.  This building of something out of nothing.  This beauty from ashes. This healing.  My deliverance….

I know….

We have only done what he has commanded us.  By faith.

And I know you will agree. In fact, you are often the first to say….

“We are unprofitable servants. We have done only what was our duty as believers.”  (Luke 7:10)

In fact, “unprofitable” meaning….”We have contributed, nothing”.

Only by grace.  God found us.  Through failures. Through miracles. Through fighting for a life now only filled with blessing….

And the gift?  Our family.

Dancing.  Dancing to it’s beauty. That makes all the running worth coming back for.

The music of our Savior. Singing us together.  Singing you to love me…..

When I…..Didn’t know what love looked like.

Agape found me.  Through you.  Sweeping up my pieces.

Thank you!

My best friend.  My soul mate. My God sent mirror….Of Jesus.

I love you.  Forever.

And though life is like a poem….

Love alone.  Our love forever.  Will be….

Eternal.

(Linking with Laura @ Wellspring, Ann, On, In, & Around Mondays)