When Your Shrinking Dink Life Heats Up

You know something is wrong, when you eat chocolate for breakfast.

And not just bite sized.  Lady like. Hershey kisses kind of helpings.  But a big, with almonds, kind of chocolate bar.

Sitting.  Feeling like a Shrinky Dink.  Stuck inside a oven.  Heat turned on.  High setting.  And somehow, required to grow in it.  So big. So bold. Other people can see.  Becoming a key chain that others can dangle along their finger.

…..Or at least large enough that you won’t disappear in the microscopic grip of another persons thumb and index finger.

See….life does that to you.  It takes what is little.  And insists.  That it grows.

I mean, from the time we were children.  People keep reinforcing.  Saying over and over, “Oh, I can’t believe how much you have grown.”

But, what if….we have it wrong?

What if…..the exact thing that the world exhorts and admonishes is wrong?

I mean….I, for one.  Like being small.

I like to crawl…..like a cat…..in the quiet corner of my couch.  Having no more cares than to why the tree casts shadows across the floor.

But, I don’t.  Instead. I feel stretched.  Like the jelly armed G.I. Joe I remember as a kid. Machine gun messages of, “To do lists” shooting away in my head.

Eldest daughter, crowned Homecoming Princess.  And she really needs a dress. Today.

Foster daughter.  Manipulated Janitor.  Broke into someone’s locker.  And an appointment with the school Psychologist keeps ringing in my head.  Like those play phones.  That kids forget to shut off.

But, life….often….has no off button.  Until, things get done.  

So, what am I doing sitting? I must chase this list the runs faster, is stronger, and runs longer than I.

And I am out of breath!

And as the heat from the vent in the floor turns on.  Making curtains dance, unarmed, along the window seal.  I know just how they feel.  Trying to avoid the heat.  Moving back and forth to the oddest beat.  Because they have to.

So, why not eat chocolate instead?  At 8:00 a.m. in the morning….avoiding it all. 

Distractions bending me like a slinky that has been bent, and turned by a two year old.  No matter how hard you try, it will never return…..to its original intent.

And I long to hear….

The words I need to.  Bringing freedom from this Dorothy whirlwind.  Though I don’t know what they are.

Though I am deaf….like my six year old daughter.  Needing to turn my head.  In order to listen.  And completely inattentive with so much noise.  And heat.  Pushing me to dance to the worlds inventions.

When, I want to shrink.  No, really shrink.  Inside.  Deep inside this sofa in the quiet of the morn.

But, the world wants more.  And who am I to not please them?

Not thrilled about shopping a third day for a dress.  Until, a friend texts.

“Soon, you will be shopping for a wedding dress.”  And the word.  “Ugh.”  Fills my chest.

Do I have it wrong?  Is it me that’s resolved to being like a child’s toy….bent and stretched and prodded?  Instead of being who God made me to be?  Strong?  Confident?  A humble, thankful, child of God?

And it is like a popgun.  Exploding inside my head. I get it!  I get my problem.

I have not been thankful.

I have three daughters. A son.  An amazing husband.  I have been blessed with so many gifts….even Santa couldn’t hold them in his imaginary pack.

Yes, I have the choice.  To sit.  Halfway into this race that beckons for an ending.  Or to put the toothed cord in the back of my automobile, pull the cord, and just keep going.  Grateful for all God has given me.  Looking to Him for energy.

Just then, I read in the book, Sanctuary, by David Jeremiah.

“Most of us would agree that when it comes to the battle for the right kind of living, the biggest enemy is not out there.”

The biggest enemy we have…..is right here.  It is me….it is you!!!

And ugh.  Again.  Like a Nerf ball to my puny chest.  Leaving me windless.  Out of breath.  I realize how selfish I have been.

How selfish I am.

Putting down the chocolate I have been eating.  Like a guilty child who has been stealing from her mothers stash.

I sit up straight.  Get out of my corner of doubt.  Put off my two year old pouting.  Throw away all my childhood toys surrounding, making way too much noise.

And I rise up.  Break out my list.  Buckle up to do.  With faithfulness.  What I need to do.

Here. Now.

Jumping in the oven that burns away doubt.  And training my mind….to persevere…instead of selfishly, helplessly shrink from the crowd….and the chaos….

Letting go grandiose thinking of self centered adolescent that doesn’t know the difference between self pity and the prevailing mentality, trickling unannounced….“It’s all about me.”

Opening the shades to a new day.

Changing the things that I can change….

No, not my list.  Or the crazy way that life takes me on a roller coaster that I have no control of the speed or pressure…..

But changing what I can change….me!  How I do life….and what I think!

Yes, I resolve.  Stand up.  Get off my curled up couch.  Put away my pouting lip of doubt.

And give thanks as, although the heat will rise.  I can, putt away self.  Now.

Once and for all.

So, I can shrink.

And God can rise.

(Linking with Barbie, Michelle )