I have seen him once in eight months. My nearly nineteen-years-old, six-foot-three, baby.
The price, I guess, of a son called to missions as a missionary.
So, when I see his name flash on my phone, hearing it’s loud ringing…..I quickly pick it up.
Bubbling so much….just to hear his deep man tone. That child formed from my flesh and bone.
And how memories flood…..as he talks of hard work and his mile hike on an island much too far from home.
And how faithful I acknowledge Him serving. Talking to him, eagerly asking….
“Sweetie….what do you need? I want to send you a package.”
But, his answer too often disappoints…. “Nothing. I am fine.”
And oh, how I almost sink inside knowing there is nothing I can send as he ministers and serves and worships…..the One Most Worthy.
But, today? It’s different.
- I need a toothbrush.
- Shorts.
- Work socks…..And on goes the list.
And I frantically write. Getting ready to run out of the house to buy…..as quickly as I can….whatever He needs.
And I think of the lists I have made in the past…..to my Daddy. My Father. God. And how I somehow often miss….how much He longs for and rejoices at giving us…”Good Gifts”.
My Kindergartner. Just asking, the other day in the car. “God, I want Tinkerbell.” And how I tried to explain…..
God wants to give us toys and dolls and presents that might delight our hearts…..but, most of all…..He wants to give us things that might grow us, change us, make us, draw us…..closer to His heart.
So…..we prayed that God might grace us, to see her little brother. Now adopted somewhere else. Soon instead.
And sure enough. Two days later. They called. “Meet us at the beach, ” they said. “We would like to see you.”
And how seasons can’t keep prayers apart….from heaven. And all the doubts of a thousand lost….can’t separate us from the love of God.
And how He longs to meet and give us the desires of our heart….especially when for our benefit.
Or then, how often…..Do we not make a list.
Failing to pray for our needs…..let alone our wants.
We martyr along….thinking God has left us out on an island. Alone. Needing to suffer without socks or underwear or any of the needs that might make life more comfortable.
So we don’t ask. And we don’t receive.
Yet, how His Word says “ask. And receive.”
And how clearly in all this, am I able to see a loving God. More like me, than different. Pen and paper in hand. Ready to run out and relinquish anything that might get us from our island of self…..to Him.
And I think….at last….that it’s not that I get to buy and give and offer something tangible to the one I love….without conditions.
But…..it is….well…..that I get to talk to Him. Hear His man voice. Connect more than text to text…..but heart to heart.
And I wonder if our Father thinks the same about us? That he longs for it to be less about what He gives…..and, more about….The Father getting to hear our voice…..and us exposing our hearts.
Our relationship with Him.
As we share our lists.
What do you think?
8 Comments
You always weave so wonderful…our fleshly life and our spiritual life…so good. What a treat to get to speak with your son…It is hard…releasing them to follow their own journey with God…we would not want it any other way…but it our hearts can ache just a little. continued prayers to you my friend. blessings~
Hi Jen – I think that God loves the interaction with us more than the list. The lost is His way of blessing and showing His love, yes, but i think He wants to have relationship with us more. Great post Jen
God bless
Tracy
Hm, you have really got me thinking. Yes, He wants our desires to be about Him, but the earthly need list… maybe that’s the important thing that I’ve been leaving out of late! Seems like God put you beside me this week for a timely reason.
I love your son’s heart, it speaks to where your heart is. It’s true, God wants us to love the Giver and not the gifts. What a great post!
Oh, my mom heart is aching and celebrating with you… your son’s heart for missions must make you proud- yet with it comes sacrifice, doesn’t it? I LOVE your thoughts on “the list” and your discussion with your young one about how God wants to gift us- I will be repeating your wise words to my little ones, too. And praying for your son (and his mom) as God continues to use him. I have an 8 year old who prays every night that God will let her grow up to be a missionary who saves orphans… wonder if He’s giving me plenty of time to prepare my heart? ! visiting from Ann’s today. So nice to meet you.
Beautiful. Such a beautiful post. Wonderful reminder of how we can connect with HIM. Thank you for sharing this.
Ells- Thanks, my friend.
Tracy – So agree! Wouldn’t it be funny if a stranger walked up to us & gave us their list of needs/wants. I think we would be complete dumbfounded. So thankful that we receive first because we are sons/daughters…..heirs of God! What an honor & privilege we have IN Him! Yes, my friend! 🙂
Sylvia – Praying He shows you more fully your position in Christ so that you can ask with confidence, assurance, & in knowing that you have what you ask for according to His goodness and will. Thanks for your honesty & comment.
Christina – So agree. It’s all about Him…isn’t it! 🙂
Alicia – Your comment about your 8 yr old is precious. Brought tears to my eyes! What an honor to have such a call….and such a prayer. Praying right now for her that the enemy would not derail her from God’s glorious plan for her life.
Jennifer – Thanks for coming by to read.
It wasn’t until the past few years that I finally moved beyond a relationship with God where I just ask for things. I’m learning to love Him just for Him. It’s a process, but a good one, and I am thankful that He is teaching me that He is enough.