When Christmas Brings Pain

There he is.  Clenched palms to chair. Lungs rising slowly……fighting for air. Wriggling in pain.  Last moments….before breath grants no more days.

Cancer.  Like a thief in the night.  Taking away bodies ability to fight.

The battle’s almost done.

Eyes dim.  Struggling one…..recollecting what’s been left undone…….what’s to come.

Hoping for answers to the unknown.

Fear of going.  Fear of leaving. Fear of everything.  The struggle with having no choice.

Yet, I ask in my head as I see this brave man leave his own understanding of this life that he has lives…..

Who of us has choice….really?  Even when we think we orchestrate our time, plan our lives, organize and delegate…..and set up our own kingdoms in our mind….when it’s all said and done…..who of us really has choice?  Don’t we all really live under the Sovereignty of God? 

And I preach to uncle, the message for us all. No matter what we’ve done…no matter how much money we make or how many people we impress or how much stuff we appear to accumulate…..

In the end….all that matters is God. 

And this yellow one.  Still One…….waring on the inside…..man…..who has done so much right over his life….struggles to find faith.

Tubes on his face.  Gripping for air.  He asks….


“But why?  Why after I have lived a good life….in the end…..I die.  Like this.”  And he looks around an empty room.  Chairs hollow emblems of those he loves. The silence echoing in the questioning room……of his soul.

And it isn’t just him.  The enemy always uses the “whys” to draw us away from God.  The…..us wanting answers.  The “us”……needing matter of fact facts before getting close to Jesus.

Yet, faith is not in the seeing.  Trusting is believing….God is good…..even when life doesn’t make sense.

And all I have to say is this…..

“Sometimes we can’t understand.  Sometimes life has no rhyme or reason.  But this thing I am sure of……Everything that happens is for the very purpose……to lead us closer to Jesus.”

And uncle bends over weeping.  And I know he understands.

Gripping me with both hands tight…..as if to hold onto life…..as if to save himself from death.  Struggling for breath.  This desperation to accept salvation.  Yet, hesitating.  Straining for understanding.
 
And I keep talking.  “Tio.  Life is not a mathematical equation.  Good outweighing bad…..doesn’t get us into heaven.  Some religions believe that.  But, God has no scale.  There are not good people and bad people. And only the ‘good’ people go to heaven.  We are all bad.  We have all fallen short of the glory of God.” 

Truth is…..“There are only bad people…..and those who know God and are saved by his blood.”

We can’t earn our own salvation.  

There is no bargaining with God……when we take our last breath. 

And though actor.  And ship master.  A crabber. World traveler.  In the end…..He knows.  Yes, he knows…..that he must surrender to The Father.

Yet, “I’m scared”, he says.

“It’s easy”, I tell him.  “Profess Christ.  And that you cannot save yourself.”  I plead with everything in me.  The Gentle One before me with child-like eyes…….hungry……for an answer to all his questions. 


“Just profess Christ”, I say again.


But, he doesn’t. 

Questions surfacing, I see them rise like bitter tides inside his eyes of wondering.  Holding firmly to the world……in the same way both arms grip the chair again….hands white knuckling.

But, then. I tell him.  “You have the rosary hanging around your head.  How can you carry a cross of Jesus on your heart……but not accept him into your heart?”  It is not enough to where Christ.  We must let Christ where us.

And I think….how many of us like to show Christ and share Christ and flash others with our own Christ wearing…..but fail to let him grip our hearts?  And how my Tio and I are not so far apart…..at times.

But, yet…..he holds on…..

Fearing death.  Fearing Christ.  Fearing loneliness as cancer is robbing and stealing every very last breath.

And finally I humble myself.  I step back after hours of talking.  Lots of tears.  Explaining and professing.

And, I realize……I cannot help him.  I am no Savior…..just a servant.  And the only way to draw him is through the work of the Holy Spirit.

And, I have heard it said.  The sinner has much greater chance to get to heaven, than the “good” man.  Because a “good” man….a man who has done everything right…..fails to see his desperate need for Christ.

So, I walk away.  Keep praying……but walk away.  Though my son called me an evangelist the other day…..I know now……grace alone must find a way.

So, I meander through white, empty walls down the hall.  Seeing presents under Christmas tree out in the lobby.  And I long for the greatest gift of all…..

That our uncle would receive Jesus.

And as I leave, I think of Tio.  Alone.  Fighting questions and time.  The battle of surrender we all must daily fight.  

And I want to open The Gift for him….take it and share it and give it to him….freely.  But, he won’t let me.   

There comes a time when each of us must unwrap our own gift.  Our own gift…..of Christ.  And receive Him as our own.  

So, I pray…..Lord please don’t take our Uncle from this earthly home…..until he finds the greatest gift that any man or woman will ever know……

Jesus.

Please pray with me friends for our passing Uncle, that He would know the glory of salvation and go “home” to be with Jesus this season.  It would be the greatest gift of all to our family.  Thank you.

Linking this post w/ Tracy & womenlivingwell & Emily