Silence dances into every crevass of my mind, like a game of hide-and-seek, exposing even unspoken lies, keeping me from myself.
We are all a bunch of actors. Convincing the world, but more so ourselves, that we are able, capable, strong…
Worthy of living this life we’ve been given.
But, what about when we stumble on this stage of life? When we flip over our own feet, fear looking straight at the crowds…
Are muted by the sounds of our own voices?
Are we still worthy of this stage?
In fourth grade, I loved singing. My teacher, Ms. Larson changed me.
She had a song for every occassion. We sang before playing outside. We sang before she stepped out for surgery. We sang for the Principal, who wasn’t a very happy person.
Somehow she knew singing had a way of dancing into the vaulted parts of people’s hearts…
Singing opens people up to love and acceptance, to healing in a way even counseling can’t reach us.
And yet, one day, the crowd was before me. Another child belted out their song all the way accross the auditorium. But my voice was weary and weak.
I feared the sound of my own voice. I questioned whether I was worthy to enteratain the people before me.
And so I mouthed quietly what I had been keeping in the chambers of my own heart.
I withheld the gift of song because I was afraid of what it might cost me.
I was terrified to be seen, stand out, be heard, announce my own beauty from within.
Not long after, in adulthood, I learned the dance of performing.
Like a robot, I worked to be everything I had been modeled. Good, kind, well-behaved, helping, a servant.
And yet, my heart was still that of a little girl, afraid of her own voice, lost with songs inside her…
Despising the stage I’d been given.
But what I found was, over time…
- I didn’t need the stage, I just needed my voice to sing.
- I didn’t want the people’s applause, I just needed my song to find the corners of my being.
- I never wanted praise and accolades, I simply longed for peace with the One who made me. To be known, seen and loved, like everybody else.
I longed not for the approval of people, but for the applause solely we receive, from heaven.
He was and is enough. Everything else is empty.
I wake with words floating quietly, in a house still silent at 5:00 a.m. “Be still and know that I am God”. (Pslams 46:10)
Stillness in a house filled with children often only finds me at 5:00 a.m.
It is like a holy hand wakes me and leads me down our windy staircase to this place of peace on our leather coach, with my fist gripping a cup of coffee.
I recall what “Be still” means in another translation, “Cease from striving”. The NASB translated it, “STOP striving”.
It seems hard to think about striving when you’re caught on a hamster wheel, going a hundred miles an hour in one direction.
But striving is more than an outward condition. It is a condition of the heart.
Our bodies can be still, but our minds can race like Mario Andretti, around and around the race track of our brains, without getting
anywhere.
In a day where nearly every youth is enslaved to anxiety medicine, being still is more like a gift given to us, vs. something we can earn.
And yet, He paid for our stillness.
He died that we might, Be still. Rest. Know, He is enough to carry the weight of our problems.
His yoke is easy, His burden light.
In fact, He says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matt. 11:28-30)
I have always thought of that word, “know” I am God, as a type of gift of understanding, blessed wisdom He gives us.
And while, yes that is true…
To know God also means, “To grasp, comprehend, follow, and find out”, He is God.
There is some effort on our part to seek Him, know Him. And in that knowing we stop striving.
In that searching, we can cease from working so exhaustedly.
In Him is where peace alone dwells completely.
It isn’t in the head knowledge, but the heart seeking, He stills us and calls us to rest.
It is in Him where we can learn to sing and dance on our stages of life.
Yet, just when I grab those words, funnel in the knowledge that in Him is peace, where He is there is stillness, I read on…
“I will be exalted in the nations. I will be exalted in the earth.”
Why is it we think striving, working towards something, brings more glory to God than resting in Him?
Why do we justify our Martha mindset, instead of surrendering to rest and collapsing at the feet of the One who teaches us?
Why do we climb and strive, push others out of the way to try to prove we are worthy to be called sons and daughters?
Sadly, I see this in the church the most.
I see “career Christians”, that have not separated unto themselves to know God, so they try to prove their worth to an onlooking crowd.
They lie, exaggerate, or live double lives to try to gain the position they are seeking…
They claw their way to center stage, only to fall on their faces, and yet keep dancing, desperately wanting to be seen as signficant, to others.
It’s like the child in fourth grade who belted their voice over everybody elses, because they were desperate to prove they were worthy to be heard.
What these people don’t know is, they are already seen by God.
They don’t need to thrust themselves to center stage, fight for some carnal audience to fill what lacks within them.
We can’t gain enough things, achieve enough claims, rise to enough positions to prove our worth to Jesus or anyone else.
The world may praise the driven, but God overlooked those rulers who exhaulted their position over others.
He is a magnet to the humble.
And yet, He calls us to “know” Him.
In that knowing there is stillness in our souls, and peace.
When have you last sought Him? No, not gone to church, or done a thousand other great things to prove your worth to church people…
But, looked within the shadows of your heart for areas He is wanted to come and heal you?
I don’t know about you, but my automatic button is to return to acting. My default is to silence myself, and let the loud and proud continue on in their self-indulged dancing.
However, the beautiful thing about God is, we can come to Him in our pajamas, with our
messy hair and unkept garments; and He welcomes us to the stage of His heart, just like we are.
He doesn’t need us to dress up, perform, or try harder…
He just wants us to rest.
Rest, like a child curled up by a Lion and a Lamb, still and content in the grass together.
In His presence is perfect peace.
It’s a peace we will never experience with medication and check-off lists, with performances, and all the positions we give ourselves to try to prove our worth.
We can be empty, and yet be fully seen.
We can stop acting. And just be where He is in this moment.
Every day is a choice…
Will we stop striving, seek to know Him and come with a quiet spirit, where His mercy dwells?
It is there in our unworthiness, He stills our souls and becomes everything we need.
Won’t you step off the stage and invite Him in?
There is peace when we seek Him alone and let Him be our audience of one.
“Be still and know (recognize, understand) that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations! I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalms 46:10)
2 Comments
Jen, so much in this post resonates with me. I can remember giving an oral report in middle school – no one heard me, I received an “F”, because while my mouth moved, not a single sound came out the entire time. I have never enjoyed being the one seen or heard. But I am most grateful I am seen and heard by the One. I’m so grateful I can come and share my heart with him – in my pj’s in the stillness of the morning. For that is where He stills my heart. Blessings!
“But striving is more than an outward condition. It is a condition of the heart.” This is so true. I have times where I am into self-control striving, and even if no one can see it from the outside, I know it in my heart. Only God can truly rescue us from it.