Abandoned Treadmills. And Grace like Dust.

I open Facebook.  Just got news.  Asked to do something that pierces all confidence.

How can I….how can any of us….stand tall,when we have been so small for so long?

How do we rise when life has been hammering us, continually forcing us not to rise….

Not to speak.  Not to be.  Like dust sitting idly on my treadmill?  

Against the current, any “feeling”, or desire in me….I lift these stiffening legs upon the friend I once knew carried me.

Dust flies.  I move, slowly, hesitantly….forward.  Legs walk, heart falls, and all the things I thought were important, shed in that moment.

I remember times of bounty.  But this time, not wanting any of it.  This time, not wanting anything….but Him.

And oh how years ago, I would have leaped, and boasted, and took credit for anything God did.  Saying I was unworthy….but in my heart of hearts, taking credit for all of it.

I move forward, looking out at the wide open.  Knowing it is beyond these four walls, apart from any notion that I could even imagined….He is calling me.

Yet, the more I (the more any of us) run forward, the more inadequate we often feel.  The more unworthy, incapable, lost in the overwhelming magnitude of it all.  

Why is that?

Then finally, I throw up hands, mid-run, and give it all to Him.  This fear, this unbelievable journey He is calling me to, gets freed in the hands lifted, in the acknowledgement of my own weaknesses.

Time is up.  I have to step off this circulating road.  Just then I hear it, on Pandora….the lyrics…

“We fall down, we lay our crowns, at the feet….of Jesus…”

Exhausted, I fall upon my face.  Honoring the words still running, this heart still racing, this weakness that had lead me to this place….the depravity of my own uselessly.

There, still wondering.  How will I walk forward in this thing God is calling me to?

I see it, hear it.  Looking up, I notice in my haste, I jumped off the treadmill and for the first time in my existence, I forgot to turn it off.

There it is, moving forward, still rotating, despite the fact that I am not in.

And my tear struck eyes look up, thinking, “strange”.  I have never done that.  But then I hear Him say in my heart of hearts….

I am humbled by these words.  By the reality that I am even smaller than I thought.  That I am ever more useless, and weak, and incapable of “helping” God.

And I realize, my call is not determined by how fast I run.  It is not a plan of how strong I am, how capable I am, or even of how fit I am for the Kingdom. 

All that matters is that we keep seeing, keep believing, keep choosing to step up on His journey.  

Will we say “yes”?  Will we walk forward on His purposes…Though the fact is, we are no more than specks of dust, who must simply rest on His will…

As He carries us.  Forward.

And anything good that comes….Is not from us, anyway.  It’s all Him.

And I stay there in prayer.  Prostate. Not caring, that the treadmill is moving….

With dust still resting on it’s surface.